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Using our will
To keep very still
Still even internally.
-Ani Difranco, “Studying Stones,” from Knuckle Down
When I do think of stone, There\’s no doubt that of the Alaskan beach rock, smoothed down by glaciers and lapping waves, any type of consistent gentle pressure that will breakdown mountains. I believe of looking at the pebbled beach for many hours, sorting through rocks with my gaze and fingers, stashing dozens out of all pockets within my clothes. I do believe of keeping one with me constantly, smoothed further from the oils of my skin. My mother said it made sense will take with them rocks, since around my astrological chart I\’ve got no planets or aspects in earth signs.
By the time I used to be out as queer and crafting my erotic life, I identified as stone. It had become a badge of honor I wore in my gender, declaring my amount of body dysphoria. That it was a shorthand manner of telling dykes on first dates that I thought about being alone doing the actions during sex. Over the cusp of claiming I was a top-notch, claiming stone was personal and indisputable, then it was easier to claim than topping was. In queer communities, stone can often be perceived to be based in trauma, in gender dysphoria, in self-protection – something no one would dare challenge or judge.
Stone differs from the others in my opinion now. Ten years later, the access to tools for changing one’s body to vary gender dysphoria varies, as well as the information about dysphoria differs, and then we don\’t need to stay so still inside. Stone is actually a legitimate and real identity, don’t misunderstand me – but there are additional options for healing and alter for genderqueer and trans folks than there have ever been. So things are all changing: me, along with the queer communities’ relationships with stone.
In 2008, my time period of slutty play, copious casual dates, and learning to top was start to decelerate. I craved possessing a long-term partner, going deeper, doing greater intense play that only was included with longer-term trust and intimacy. The rush and excitement of topping was fading. Still honored me and floored me and got me hard and wet that beautiful, powerful, badass women would figure out what they have to wanted and i can do dirty, vulnerable what you should them, on the other hand was commencing to feel completely drained and exhausted after dates and BDSM scenes, rather then elated and giddy. Needed more- something, even so wasn’t sure what.
That was ready while i learned the meaning of service topping – topping based on the bottom’s wants, desires, pleasures. Topping as service. I\’d been service topping for decades, I noticed. There’s nothing wrong from it – I still service top, in excess of occasionally – on the other hand started uncovering a deeper craving, a whole new hungry mouth that demanded a new challenge to satiate it. I want to to obtain that elated, floaty feeling after sex and scenes, that feeling like following a yoga class where all of my limbs feel lighter and my core feels stronger and my head feels clearer. That also happened, using a particularly good scene or with someone new and thrilling, or as i was learning a different skill. But following a chunk of time with someone, regardless how much I liked them, something was still missing.
In a conversation which has a mentor of mine, where I lamented my loss of energy and my need to have “more, something, I don’t determine what,” they casually said: “Maybe you’re a dominant.”
I blinked. “What’s the main difference?” Regardless that I realized of myself as knowledgeable about power dynamics, I tended to use top and dominant somewhat interchangeably, plus the erotica short stories I obsessively consumed did, too. Industry experts all of the friends I could possibly concerning understanding, and a lot of perceived to divide it into any physical act verses psychological act thing – that topping was ready doing something, and dominance was approximately being in control.
Around the same time frame, I dated a lady approximately with three months, so we dealt with all sorts of SM: slapping, flogging, sensation play, rough sex. When Gurus her (ahem, told her, while in the most dominating voice I could truthfully muster) to crawl over the floor, she looked at me, puzzled. “Why?”
The confusion in their own voice was enough in making my body freeze tight – caught within the headlights style of tight. I hadn’t discovered that some tips i was requesting was out from the whole world of what we’d also been doing, but as soon as I required it, I knew I wanted it. I want to to remain in command over her body in ways beyond just sensation or rough sex. I needed her to crawl over to the toy box and fetch the cane, then grow it back to me within their mouth. I needed her to crawl up to where I have been sitting and service me, get me off.
I want to let her know what you can do. And so i wanted it is in my body’s direct pleasure.
I couldn’t handle explaining this to her, so I gulped, mumbled some excuse, and then we went back to playing. I felt the stone within me sink down, down, down and settle in my pelvis, as well as a new variety of desire appeared.